Why am I so angry when somebody else knows more about my craft than I do?
You'd think I would know better... but I guess we all have our weaknesses, and "feeling inferior" appears to be mine
“How dare she know more than me,” I thought as I read her comments. “Doesn’t she know I’m the star around here?”
I started a new class last week that aims to teach established copywriters how to rise to the top and train and supervise other writers by becoming what’s known in the industry as a copy chief.
If you’re not familiar with those terms, a copywriter is someone who writes sales and marketing materials (aka “copy”). Meanwhile, a copy chief oversees other copywriters, much the same way that an editor-in-chief oversees a pool of news reporters.
I’ve been a paid copywriter for all of three months now… so naturally I think I’m “established” enough to take this training and jump all the way to the top of the copywriting ladder, and skip the years and years of work, experience, feedback, training, etc., that a copywriter would normally have to endure before even being considered for a position like this.
(I kid! Of course, I’m not established after only three months… four months, though, and all bets are off.) 😂
But there’s more than one outcome being promised to students of this course. And to be clear, I do not expect that this one class is going to magically take me and turn me into a full-fledged copy chief, ready to turn fledgling copywriters into marketing all-stars.
I do expect to learn a lot about what makes good copy, and how to improve my own writing, and give helpful feedback and criticism to other copywriters.
I expect my writing to improve dramatically by the time this class is over.
And I expect to have a solid understanding of what it takes to be a copy chief… and a clear path for me to grow in that direction, if that’s what I decide I want to do, careerwise.
And I probably will want to, because it’s not enough for me to just obtain my own success and happiness — I need to bring other people with me, as well… and this seems like one really good way to achieve that.
And… I am pretty smart… so there’s no question in my mind but what I can learn this material, regardless of what I do with it once the class is done.
Even so, I definitely feel like I’m the underdog. The other people I’m in class with have been copywriting for years… and lots of them make six figures or more per year (which is a lot more impressive than my current income of $1,500 a month).
They’ve worked with multiple clients, where I’ve only had one.
They write blogs and sales pages and newsletters, and I get paid to interact with people in Facebook groups, commenting on their posts, encouraging them to pursue their goals, and occasionally writing posts of my own.
Compared to them, my experience and expertise may as well not exist.
They do things every day in their business that I’ve only ever done as “homework” for a class that I took.
Or, so my mind is telling me, as I read through their comments in the Slack channel that was set up for this class.
Of course I don’t actually know what their real level of expertise is — but I can tell from their comments that it’s a lot more than mine.
And that bothers me.
A lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
And it never did, before, in any of the other classes I’ve taken in the last year and a half. Somehow, this class is different. Or maybe… I’m different.
Before, I didn’t know enough to know that I don’t know enough.
I thought I was the smartest person in class because I didn’t know enough about the class, or the curriculum, or the other students, to know any better.
I was such a beginner that I intrinsically assumed my answers were the best answers (and the only answers that could actually be right!)
And whether they were the best answers, or not, most of my classmates agreed that I had great answers. My classmates appreciated my efforts, and valued my insight — and that made me feel good.
It made me feel like, even if I don’t have the confidence to actually do the things we’re learning about, at least I understand the material and can repeat it back to other people and impress them with my knowledge.
And I guess I let that go to my head, and started to think I really am brilliant, after all.
The comments in this class, though…
I’m in so far over my head I’m afraid I might actually drown. This might be where I wash out. I don’t know if I belong in the same breath as the people in this class.
They know things I don’t even know I still need to learn… and it’s hard for me to feel like I’m so far behind everyone else… and not feel like just giving up.
It makes me angry that they know more, and have more, and can do more, than me.
I’m mad that they have “success” in their lives, because when I look at my life, I feel like so much of it is still failure.
And if I can be the smartest person in the room, and wow everybody with my brilliance, or my strength, or my tenacity… I can hide the fact that I still feel empty inside… that I still hate myself for allowing my trauma to control my decisions, even while I’m telling other people to rise above their trauma and create the life they want to live.
But the truth is, I still feel inadequate in everything I do. I shouldn’t, though. I know I shouldn’t. I know I’m really good at a lot of things that other people aren’t good at. But I feel like none of the things I’m good at have any value in the marketplace.
And I don’t know how to overcome that, so I just try to hide it. Most of the time, I’m successful. But every now and then, it rears its ugly head, and I find myself reading somebody else’s work, and I feel like that person is smarter, and more experienced, and more competent and capable, than I’ll ever be, and that just makes me angry.
Reminder: I’m building a support group on Facebook for veterans with unresolved trauma or other mental health challenges. If you’re a vet, or if your profession is one that directly supports vets in their struggle to reintegrate into society, you can join us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/1462035008048469
If you know a vet or someone who can help support this group, please share that link with them. You could end up saving a life.