Sometimes, the bear eats us

None of us is always "winning" at life. Now and then, it's gonna kick our ass. That's okay; in fact, it's part of the journey.

Last week, I was supposed to go visit a friend in California. We’d made plans back in February; we were going to spend three days together in Long Beach, and she was going to show me all the sights!

We talked almost every day about how exciting this was going to be and how much fun we would have… and with each passing week, I was more and more eager to go spend this long weekend together.

But last Monday, three days before my trip, I was on the phone with my friend, explaining to her that, I don’t know exactly why, but I’m terrified to fly out to California, and am having a nuclear-level meltdown, and I just can’t go…

Now, I’ve had anxiety around taking trips like this in the past. Most notably, when I flew out to my niece’s wedding in… I think it was 2018? (I’m old; I don’t remember exact dates as well as I used to hahaha…) Flying to her wedding was incredibly difficult. I remember my mind worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong:

• I could have a panic attack before we even leave for the airport, that would cause me to miss the flight

• I could pee my pants on the way to the airport, and be denied service by the airline

• I could have a meltdown in the airport and be taken to the ER and put on suicide watch

• The plane could go down

• The plane could have mechanical problems that would delay the flight, and that could make me have a meltdown

• I could be too frightened the day of the wedding, to leave the hotel, and thus miss the wedding even though I was in town for the event

Yet, despite all of those fears, I managed to get on that plane, and show up for my niece’s wedding… and, believe it or not, I actually had a wonderful time, once I got there.

But this trip last week to California didn’t play out that way.

Somehow, the amount and type of fear I felt last Monday was more than what I felt when traveling to my niece’s wedding, all those years ago. It’s not even fair, really, to call it “fear” — it was more like sheer terror.

It was so all-consuming, and overpowering, that I couldn’t see a way through. It felt like if I went through with my travel plans last week, I would have pushed myself beyond my limits, and it would have taken weeks or months to come back from.

It was the worst fear I’ve felt since I deployed to the Arabian Gulf at the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

I know, intellectually, that it was a trauma-based response, and that it’s not founded in reality. I know that if I had gone to California, I would have been safe with my friend. I’m fairly certain I would’ve been safe, in California, regardless of whether I was there with a friend, or not.

But the terror I felt inside was so strong, it stopped me from even going.

A lot of people who know me in real life tried to talk me into going anyway, trying to convince me that the fear I was facing was all in my head, and if I just pushed through, everything would be great, and the fear would be gone, and I would be victorious.

They couldn’t get that I just couldn’t do it. My fears — whether founded or not — were too big for me to overcome in that moment.

Now, I understand why it was hard for them to hear that. Since I moved out on my own, just over a year ago, I’ve had to face a lot of fears, to create the kind of lifestyle I truly desire. And for… 12 to 15 months, I successfully faced each one…

In the last year plus, I’ve overcome what I thought were impossible odds. For one: I actually moved out on my own, and learned all over again, how to be independent. And that has been the biggest, baddest, scariest thing of all. Because to truly be independent, you have to learn to listen to your own conscience, to follow your own dreams, to keep your own counsel…

Even when that counsel goes against the advice and good intentions of the people who really know and love you.

You have to be able to make your own best choices… and I guess, sometimes… not even the people who know you best will agree that you’re making the right choice… but you have to do it anyway.

I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had gotten on that plane… I only know that the fear I felt in the days leading up to that trip… that fear was more powerful than my ability to overcome, in that moment.

And I feel terrible that I couldn’t overcome it. But the truth of it is, it kicked my ass. It got the better of me. It convinced me, for a moment, not to do the thing I really, really wanted to do.

And sometimes, I think, that’s just gonna happen. Whether you have PTSD or not. Sometimes, things are just gonna be too hard, and you won’t be able to do everything you want.

Does that mean I’ll never go to California? I don’t think so. Does it mean I’ve got some trauma I wasn’t aware of, and now I need to address it? Absolutely.

Does it mean I’m a weakling because I gave into my fear in a really difficult moment? Hell, no.

It simply means that this time, my trauma won. And sometimes, that’s going to happen. We can’t make it “not” happen; sometimes we are going to lose. That’s part of life (and it’s one thing I wish I’d been left to learn for myself at a much earlier age, but for better or worse, I was part of a generation that didn’t get to experience losing, and coming back from loss, the way that we probably should have).

So, there’s no happy message in today’s newsletter. Just… me being disappointed at the way things went… and not fully knowing yet, how to move forward and make this all make sense… except that, like I said, sometimes, things just go wrong… and there’s not much we can do to prevent it. The best we can do is try to learn from it, and hope that the next time around, maybe it’ll go differently.

Maybe we’ll be different, and the choices we’re able to make will be more in line with the outcome we’re really hoping for.

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P.S. Next week, I’m going to be starting a private Facebook group where people who are dealing with severe trauma like I am can come together and find support, encouragement, and advice. When that group is “live,” I’ll be sharing a link to it in my newsletter… so keep your eyes peeled.