Finding a Job - Part Two

It's amazing how the stress that comes from starting a new career feels almost exactly like the stress that comes from living with PTSD.

I can’t stay in bed forever — but I sure wanna give it a try.

That’s how I felt this whole last week as I started working again after so many years of perpetual unemployment. It’s hard to remember the last time I felt this overwhelmed, but it’s a feeling that I know all too well.

I started my new position last week, and I’m absolutely thrilled to be working, to be contributing to society, and to be getting paid to use my talents and abilities to help others.

(And I’m thrilled that I’m finally going to have plenty of “fun” money to let me schedule some trips to see family and to go explore West Texas! I can’t even predict how that’s going to affect my quality of life!)

While it’s true that I’m thankful, excited, “lit up,” passionate, optimistic about how this is going to change my future...

What’s also true is I’m sleeping late every morning, and I’m dreading each day, and I’m wondering if I’m going to take to working, after all… or if I’ve reached too far, and it’s all about to come crashing down on me.

Everything feels so hard. I feel like my expectations are too high, and I’m never going to measure up to the standard I’ve set. My mind feels heavy. My body doesn’t want to respond.

As much as I want things to go well… I also want to retreat to the safety and comfort of hiding in my room and binging Netflix, and forgetting about my goals forever (or at least until this feeling of overwhelm is gone).

I’m certain this is tied to my trauma. It’s some kind of “trauma response” to a powerful life event.

I experienced almost the exact same feelings in 2005, when I had my first emotional release in massage school… and again a year later when it was time to graduate and find a job.

Back then, I successfully pushed through my feelings of overwhelm and extreme doubt, to persevere and ultimately prevail against what sure felt like impossible odds.

But then in 2008, when I lost my job and my apartment, and had to “admit defeat” and move in with Mom and Dad, the overwhelm won. I gave up the fight, and I gave in to my doubt and my anxiety.

I convinced myself I would never be strong enough to overcome it all, that even if I ever did get back out from under this, even if I did somehow find a new career path, and enjoy some level of success again…

I’d never be successful “enough” to survive on my own, to pay my own bills, keep myself happy, and entertained, and engaged in a worthwhile cause, never be the kind of man who can live independently and make something meaningful out of my time and my talents.

I was broken, beyond repair, and all I could hope for was that maybe, nobody else would ever get close enough to see how far gone I really was, and how little I actually think of myself and my abilities.

I hate myself, now, for ever entertaining those thoughts. Because now I have to put in the hard work to rise above them. If I had just faced my fears in that moment, it could have changed the direction of my entire life! But now, all my mind and body know are the years of letting those thoughts and feelings control every decision I make.

I think I was hoping when this new job started, all those feelings would just instantly go away. After all, I’ve demonstrated that they’re wrong, and that I am strong enough to rise above it all, and create a life I’m starting to be proud of.

Yet, the feelings are still there.

As I type this, I feel a strong urge to walk away from it all and to go binge Netflix, and survive on soda and candy and microwave popcorn for the next month.

(But I’m only a few years shy of 50, and pretty sure if I went on that diet at this age, I’ll regret it... and besides, I know it’s not what I really want to do… it just looks really appealing.)

I actually sat in front of the TV this weekend for like an hour or two, looking for something I can binge… scrolling through multiple streaming platforms… but as luck would have it, there’s not much on these days that I really want to get that invested in. I suppose that’s a good thing…

I am excited for the work I get to do! And I’m excited simply to be working again! I really am.

I just thought achieving this goal would be enough to change my limiting beliefs and let me, I don’t know, enjoy my success…

So I’m disappointed and slightly discouraged that my response to this big breakthrough is, “You know, I’m feeling like this is maybe too much, and I’d rather not be having a breakthrough at all just now…”

That’s not what I was expecting to happen. But now, the only thing to do is to face those feelings head-on (with the help of my therapist), and figure out how to rise above it all.

Because I’ve tried living my life, letting my fears and my doubts call all the shots, and I’m not willing to live that way anymore.

It’s time for me to try a different strategy.