Ever heard of the seven pillars of trust? Me neither.
But if you've got unresolved trauma, you're gonna want to know what these pillars are about.
Boundaries. Reliability. Accountability. Vault. Integrity. Nonjudgment. Generosity.
According to Brene Brown, those are the ingredients you need in order to build real, genuine trust.
(And according to Michael Glenn, real, genuine trust is essential to overcoming past trauma.)
(And yes, I did just refer to myself in third person… and no, I’m not crazy… I’m just practicing for when I’m a celebrity. 😂)
For so long, I kept all my trauma to myself because I didn’t think I could trust anybody with my secrets.
I was afraid that if I told anybody what was in my head, they would either treat me like I was crazy, or they would minimize my pain and tell me to just “suck it up” and get on with my life.
I didn’t believe anybody would be interested in helping me. I didn’t think anybody would even see “my problems” as real problems, worth talking about, worth addressing, worth seeking help and support.
I thought they’d all think I was just over-exaggerating, making things out to be worse than they actually are.
I even thought that maybe, if I didn’t talk about my trauma, maybe it would just… go away, somehow… like maybe if I ignored it or pretended it didn’t happen, it would get tired and would just leave me alone? (I wanted it to just leave me alone, and let me get on with life, but trauma doesn’t work that way.)
It wasn’t until probably this year that I finally decided to start talking about my trauma, inviting a few, select people in, and trusting them with my fears, and my story, and all the insecurities that tell me nobody will ever want to get involved in the mess I’ve created…
If it weren’t for the handful of people I’ve let in, I would still be swimming in an endless sea of negativity, talking about the trauma but never really resolving it, never outgrowing it, never learning that I can replace it with new and better thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I couldn’t be making the positive changes I am today, were it not for the friends I’ve attracted into my life, and who I know I can trust with even the scariest parts of my story.
Establishing that trust is hard. Maintaining it is harder. But it’s got to be done if you ever want to start moving forward.
You can learn more about the role that trust plays in healing, and why it’s important to remember the acronym BRAVING, in this 23-minute presentation featuring Brene Brown. Brene explains it all much better than I ever can.
And if you really wanna geek out over Brene Brown (and who doesn’t), here are two Ted Talks I’ve found particularly helpful in understanding how to face my own trauma, how to be truly vulnerable and authentic with other people, and how to finally start releasing the shame that comes with experiencing trauma and trying to keep it to ourselves, instead of opening up and asking other people to help us.
The first is her most famous talk, The Power of Vulnerability.
The other is simply called Listening to Shame.
It’ll take you about an hour to watch all three of the videos in today’s newsletter… but I promise you, that’ll be time well spent.